Have you truly forgiven ? 4 ways to know if you have (or haven't).

I remember writing a blog post sometime last year about dealing with hurt and bitterness after I had been hurt two consecutive times by two different men. The story touched a number of people I guess and became one of my highly viewed blog posts. Whether it's a wife, a husband, a friend, church folk or whoever, each one of us in our life times will come face to face with some kind of offense that we will need to forgive and let go of. Some things appear easier to let go of than others. Rape or sexual abuse I imagine may not be something that a person would be easily able to forgive (and I do not trivialize such a traumatic experience). However, the reality for us as Christians is that God commands us to forgive. In fact, our ability to forgive or not is very much tied to God's willingness to forgive us our sins and faults (Luke 11:4 and Matthew 18: 23-35). So how do you know if you've truly let go and forgiven ? I invite you to search yourself with me !

1. Do the Lord's prayer test. Say the Lord's prayer. When you get to the part that says that the Lord should forgive you as you forgive others, mention specifically the name of a person who has hurt you in the past. So let's say John hurt you in the past, you should say "And forgive me my trespasses as I forgive John". If you can mention that person's name without any hurtful feelings, you have truly let go. If the mention of that person's name evokes emotions of hurt and bitterness, it is very likely you have not completely forgiven the person and you need to deal with it immediately.
2. You never have anything good to say about the person who hurt you. You may have genuine complaints about the person. However when your first instinct is to "bad-mouth" or the slander the person to every single person you meet, you may insist that you have let go and but it is very likely that you haven't. Slandering an ex to everyone you meet is not you "letting out some steam". It is you holding on to a grudge which could destroy your perception of the opposite sex if not dealt with. Unfortunately, I regularly see this on social media as people slander the father of their children for being so-called "dead-beats". He may be a dead-beat indeed but don't forget : that dead-beat's DNA is in your child !
3. You do not wish the person who hurt you well. In fact, if you are truthful with yourself, you will realize you even wish nothing ever works out for this person. When I was in high school, there was a girl who really made me feel less of a person than I was. She made me feel like rubbish each time I spoke to her. I even went to a counselor one day and cried as I told her of the torment this girl was putting me through. I found myself wishing that nothing would work for her and that something really bad would happen to her. Well something really bad happened. Her father, who had been sick for a while, died in our last year of high school just as we were about to finish. Did this make me feel any better ? Of course not ! I realized the foolishness of holding on to such trivialities when there were more serious things in life. All your wishing that something bad happens to the person who hurt you and whose offense you are holding on to WILL NOT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. Take it from me. 
4. You have vowed never to speak to the person again.  I once heard someone say " I will forgive them but I will never ever speak to them again !" Umm, deciding not to speak to someone is one of the hardest and most uncomfortable things to do especially if you live in the same house, go to the same school or work at the same job. It's never a freeing experience.You will constantly run into the person and then what ?  Romans 12:18 : If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. "As much as depends on you" means you have to make every possible effort to forgive and reconcile with the person. You may even take someone who is mature in the faith with on your journey of reconciliation as Jesus commands us to do in the gospels. "As much as depends on you" : if you do your part and the other party refuses to accept your offer of peace, you know you've done your part and all you owe that person now is unconditional love whether they choose to ever speak to you again or not.

This list is not exhaustive and I do not claim to be perfect in all these. However I am constantly praying that God will search my heart and help me forgive and let go of any grudge or offense I am holding on to. 

I pray that this will help someone today to begin to unearth and unload those layers of hurt in the Name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

You are loved today and always !

Gertrude.

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